Alcohol, tears and drama.

     Last night, I realised why I need to stop drinking, obviously, I already know it's bad for my health and I know my weight loss would be happening a lot quicker if I didn't drink.
    Sadly, I have a very unfortunate relationship with alcohol. I often drink to forget things and not because I want to have a good time with my friends, I always end up drinking on my own if I've had a particularly bad day and if I'm in a towering mood the first thing I would turn to would be the booze.

     Recently, I've been having a lot of problems with confidence and having extremely low self esteem. I'm fully aware I'm not the only person in the world to suffer from these problems and that it plagues everyone. When you're feeling that bad about yourself, you seem to become more selfish because this thought didn't even enter my mind, I was too consumed with hating myself and thinking that there is a lot of things that are wrong with me. Going out last night wasn't on my agenda and I was persuaded by a friend, not that I blame her for my idiocy, if I had a tiny bit more will power then I would have been able to save myself a lot of bother. I put other people in awkward situations and got upset about things that could not be helped. I know I should not be this dependant on alcohol and this is why I will not let another drop of alcohol pass my lips until Christmas Day. Even then I'm only allowing a glass of wine with my meal. Hopefully, this will help prove to myself that I can do it if I really want to and that alcohol does not make me feel better, it makes me feel worse.

     I am ashamed that I am a mere 21 years of age and already becoming addicted to alcohol, there is nothing wrong with drinking or even with going out and getting drunk but it's unhealthy for me.
Don't think that every time I go out into town and see people getting wasted I turn up my nose in disgust, I don't. Most people can go out, have a few and have a good time and that's awesome, sadly I can't do that and it seems almost pointless to try.

     Another thing that happened last night, I fully lost my temper for the first time in my life. For the first time ever I shouted at someone, got in their face and argued. It got slightly physical and it could have been a lot worse. This was not due to alcohol. By this point of the night (well, early hours of this morning), I was sober. I saw someone I care about turn into a completely different person due to drugs. I'm not going to go into detail but it shocked me. I've realised i'm not as weak as I thought, physically or mentally and that I'be been underestimating myself. I didn't like the feeling of losing it and it's not going to be something that i'll ever want to do again but now I know that I'm not going to be walked over, if push comes to shove I can hold my own. It also made me realise how much someone I often take for granted means to me and how much I mean to them.

     Last night was a complete and utter disaster, I knew it would be, I had feeling in the pitt of my stomach that some people scoff at but I knew last night was not going to end well. The only positive thing to come out of last night was that it was an eye opener. To a lot of things and it's inspired a change in me. I'd probably rather last night would have never happened but if it didn't, i'd still be completely ignorant to things that need to change.

This has been a very ranty and very personal post, for which I apologise. Anyone who knows me well, knows I don't tell people my problems, I am a private person and if something is wrong I generally keep it to myself, call it unhealthy, I call it dealing with my own shit.

If you read this far, you're freaking awesome.
Moosey xo