Will be making a new blog later!

As I haven't kept on top of this one at all and it hasn't gone in the direction that I wanted it to.

If you'd like my new URL I will make a post with it later :)

Best of me.

I've always been so scared to open up to people, well not always but circumstances dictate. I never wanted to give anyone the best of me in case they took it for granted and I never wanted anyone to see me at my worst, my weakest, my most vulnerable because I was scared they would use it to their advantage. My opinion of the human race has been twisted and distorted. Thinking everyone was out to get me and everyone just wanted to screw me over. Now I've found someone who I want to give my best and my worst to and it's proving difficult. I know that of I don't that I'm going to lose her and I am not prepared for that so as far as I'm concerned this is it. All walls are down, all barriers moved, nothing in the past is going to hold me back because Zoe is not going to do to me what other people did, just like I'm not gonna do to her what other people did. Right now I'm crying my little heart out. Something I rarely do and I don't even care because I love her so much it aches some times and I don't even tell her that because I'm too scared. Bravery is something I always admire in other people so it's about time I took a leaf out of their admiral book.

I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I am in love. I wasn't expecting it. It jumped me out of nowhere but I undeniably happy right now. We're not perfect but I still love her. It's really fast but I can't imagine being without her. I didn't think it was possible to miss someone this much but when ever I am away from her I think about her constantly. I know if you spend too much time with someone you start to take them for granted and I don't ever want that to happen with her. Right now I couldn't imagine my life without her and I really don't want to, she is my sky my sun my moon and my stars. Its pointless trying to describe it because i could never do it justice I just know this is it for me. Zoe, I love you.

Well, tonight was an eye opener.

Tonight my sister held a leaving do, she's leaving for Australia In 3 weeks. Ima keep this short cause I'm pissed off but basically she didn't care when my nan and grandad cried, when my mum cried or when I cried. As far as I'm concerned I have 2 sisters not 3.

I have a good reason to be positive,

So, for the past few weeks I've been talking to an awesome girl, we're hugely similar but have enough differences to make it interesting. We spent the day together on saturday and it went so well, I didn't want her to go home but she had to work, she bought over Sir Didymus..

She won the monkey for me at the balloon fiesta when she went on thursday night and she put on it her Sons of Anarchy hoodie that she is letting me keep, she knows how obsessed I am with the show! It smells just like her and when she left, i'd walk into my room, smell her and it made me miss her more. She decided she couldn't wait to see me again so her friends came and picked me up yesterday morning and we all went to Bristol Balloon fiesta! I couldn't stay long because I had a tattoo appointment but we spent most of the afternoon walking round and then we sat on the hill to chill out and have a cigarette! Her parents showed up and although I didn't see them for long, they seemed lovely, very down to earth and very fun people!

On the way home we decided to give it a go. I basically told her that I had no interest in seeing anyone else and she agreed, Zoe is now my girlfriend and I haven't actually been this happy for a long time! It's gonna be next weekend that I see her again and it seems like just too far away! I don't know if i'll be going down to Nailsea on saturday night while she works as a DJ at her mum's club or if she'll be coming over sunday to stay the night but either way, I can't wait to see her. This is a bit of a soppy post and I'm not usually like this! Normal posting will resume soon :)

I also had my raven tattoo finished, finally, it was really starting to bug me being only half the outline but it's completely finished now and I love it. Just in time as I have finally come up with the idea for my other sleeve! :)

Here's my finished tattoo.

The area is pretty swollen and laid out flat so it does go around my arm!

So yep, excellent weekend and not even having work today could put a dampener on my mood :)

Thanks for reading!

Moose xo

It's not your food, it's your frame of mind.

     So, today I woke up with the worst bout of flu I think i've ever had (except swine flu, that was truly terrible!) and the first thing that really annoyed me was that I wouldn't have the energy to work out. True to my word I barely made it out of bed to go to the bathroom and to get on the PC. Also, the only thing I have eaten today is a tuna sandwich. Thats really not healthy I know but I think exceptions can be made when you're this useless!

     Anyway, this led me to thinking that yes, when you want to 'diet' or change your lifestyle, lots of things have to change. Your diet for one, obviously plays a massive part in it, the amount you exercise is also a big contributing factor but I believe, a lot of people seem to agree, that the main thing you must change if you're even remotely serious about losing weight is your frame of mind. I've yet to perfect the frame of mind needed but slowly, I am getting there.

For example. What many people think when on a diet, why it leads to failure and how you should look at things.

"I really want some cake but I can't because I'm on a diet, I'll have a salad instead" This will never get you to where you want to be. Why? For one thing, you're using negative connotations. Saying you can't have something always makes you want it more (think about it in terms of boyfriends, if daddy says he's no good for you, you always wanna date him more) we can only stand being so negative for so long before we give up and think 'this is making me miserable, I don't want to do it anymore, I want be happy and eat ALL THE CAKE' also, because you're totally ignoring what your body wants. If you're genuinely hungry and you're craving cake then your body wants sugar or you just want something sweet.  If that we're me I would think "hmm, cake? I'm craving something sweet, fruit salad with some natural yogurt?" or even... "i'll have a piece of cake, only a small one" you don't have to deny yourself everything you want because you're trying to eat clean. It's just about self control, portion sizes and knowing your limits.

Dont think about how nice something tastes, think about how crappy you feel after eating a shit load of pizza. Think of how sluggish and gross somethings make you feel. 

Eat bad - Feel bad. Eat good - Feel good. It sounds simple and I know it's not but its just like anything, if you work at it hard enough it'll become second nature.

Like I know I need to put more effort into working out if I really want to look the way I look. Something I'll be focusing a lot of my attention on. 

I know one thing for sure I'm never getting back to the weight I used to be. I've got some pictures of me at my biggest weight and it genuinely makes me feel ill to look at them.

Black hair is me. 

Alcohol, tears and drama.

     Last night, I realised why I need to stop drinking, obviously, I already know it's bad for my health and I know my weight loss would be happening a lot quicker if I didn't drink.
    Sadly, I have a very unfortunate relationship with alcohol. I often drink to forget things and not because I want to have a good time with my friends, I always end up drinking on my own if I've had a particularly bad day and if I'm in a towering mood the first thing I would turn to would be the booze.

     Recently, I've been having a lot of problems with confidence and having extremely low self esteem. I'm fully aware I'm not the only person in the world to suffer from these problems and that it plagues everyone. When you're feeling that bad about yourself, you seem to become more selfish because this thought didn't even enter my mind, I was too consumed with hating myself and thinking that there is a lot of things that are wrong with me. Going out last night wasn't on my agenda and I was persuaded by a friend, not that I blame her for my idiocy, if I had a tiny bit more will power then I would have been able to save myself a lot of bother. I put other people in awkward situations and got upset about things that could not be helped. I know I should not be this dependant on alcohol and this is why I will not let another drop of alcohol pass my lips until Christmas Day. Even then I'm only allowing a glass of wine with my meal. Hopefully, this will help prove to myself that I can do it if I really want to and that alcohol does not make me feel better, it makes me feel worse.

     I am ashamed that I am a mere 21 years of age and already becoming addicted to alcohol, there is nothing wrong with drinking or even with going out and getting drunk but it's unhealthy for me.
Don't think that every time I go out into town and see people getting wasted I turn up my nose in disgust, I don't. Most people can go out, have a few and have a good time and that's awesome, sadly I can't do that and it seems almost pointless to try.

     Another thing that happened last night, I fully lost my temper for the first time in my life. For the first time ever I shouted at someone, got in their face and argued. It got slightly physical and it could have been a lot worse. This was not due to alcohol. By this point of the night (well, early hours of this morning), I was sober. I saw someone I care about turn into a completely different person due to drugs. I'm not going to go into detail but it shocked me. I've realised i'm not as weak as I thought, physically or mentally and that I'be been underestimating myself. I didn't like the feeling of losing it and it's not going to be something that i'll ever want to do again but now I know that I'm not going to be walked over, if push comes to shove I can hold my own. It also made me realise how much someone I often take for granted means to me and how much I mean to them.

     Last night was a complete and utter disaster, I knew it would be, I had feeling in the pitt of my stomach that some people scoff at but I knew last night was not going to end well. The only positive thing to come out of last night was that it was an eye opener. To a lot of things and it's inspired a change in me. I'd probably rather last night would have never happened but if it didn't, i'd still be completely ignorant to things that need to change.

This has been a very ranty and very personal post, for which I apologise. Anyone who knows me well, knows I don't tell people my problems, I am a private person and if something is wrong I generally keep it to myself, call it unhealthy, I call it dealing with my own shit.

If you read this far, you're freaking awesome.
Moosey xo